All of us can look back to when we were younger and wish we knew then what we know now. All the mistakes we might have avoided, all the good times we could have made better. Unfortunately, time machines aren’t available yet. We can arm ourselves with things that work and make the best lives for ourselves going forward.
We have been doing marriage and relationship work for 11 years, and our success rate is 30% higher than industry standards. What’s our secret? Every couple, and we do mean every couple—from happy, shiny pre-marriage couples to the husband and wife standing on each other’s last nerve—gets taught the Big 3.
What are the Big 3, you ask? They are the bedrock for a healthy, high-functioning marriage.
Number one: having God at the center of your relationship. Not just going to church, although that certainly helps, but as the connecting force between a husband and wife, at the very heart of the marriage. Often we see couples where there are two individual relationships with God. He is very present in both their lives, but He doesn’t bind them together. Mark 10:7-9 talks about what God has joined together; no man can tear apart. God is in the middle of the process. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says a 3-strand cord is not easily broken. The husband, wife, and God make that cord. Here, too, God is not a sideshow; He is part of the main event. As the inventor of marriage, it is vital that He be what the relationship revolves around. When He is not, it’s like tires that are out of balance. The wear and tear are uneven, and eventually, you get a blowout when it is least expected. And that is something we all want to avoid.
The second of the Big 3 is loving each other effectively. A quick story: Before we ever met in person, Melisa sent me a copy of “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. She asked that I read it before we ever met. I was frantically trying to finish it when she rode down the escalator at the Minneapolis International Airport. Almost one year later, to the day, my sister gave us a copy of the same book for Christmas. Fifteen years later, a client gave us 25 copies of the book because he thought it was so essential to what we do. Are you sensing a pattern? This is Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, his theory. Smart people don’t have to reinvent the wheel to go for a drive. They simply do what works, and this works! We have seen it in our marriage for 21 years, and in our clients’ lives for the past 11 years.
If they are “just words,” then I have wasted my time and effort.
A core belief is to love smarter, not harder. The second of The Big Three allows you to do just that. Effective love is love that is received and makes your spouse feel loved. It does no good for me to shower my wife with compliments if they aren’t making her feel like the apple of my eye. If they are “just words,” then I have wasted my time and effort. I have gotten very little bang for my buck. Try doing that for years at a time. That will leave one of you exhausted and frustrated, and the other feeling unsatisfied and unloved. That sounds like a recipe for a marriage disaster if you ask me.
Educating a couple about love languages identifies what works for each of them and teaches them how to put it into practice. Doing this avoids all of those disasters talked about in the last paragraph. We have seen changes in as little as one week after asking couples to put this into play. A key principle in this is our hearts are like a gas tank. They need to be filled regularly and filled with the right fuel to run well. We have two tanks involved in each marriage. If either engine stops running, the whole thing can grind to a halt. Mastering the right fuel at the right time is a skill that never grows old. It lasts as long as you want it to. Even if things change, you can trade in the old car for a hybrid, letting your spouse know that electricity is now a fuel that works for effectively loving them.
My language changed from physical touch to quality time, and my wife changed how she loved me right along with it. Not only didn’t we slow down, I think we increased our gas mileage. We enjoy football games and road trips, and I feel like there is no one she would rather spend her time with than me. Who doesn’t want that feeling? If you need help implementing languages we have a tool for you. Our 31- Day Love Languages Guide will set you up to master this very important skill.
The final piece to the puzzle is meeting each other’s needs. We often get into relationships thinking we know more than we do. The needs of men and women can easily be misidentified. We run into couples all the time who assume what they want and need is what their spouse wants and needs. All of our The Big Three Conferences go into depth on what men’s and women’s needs are, how to meet them, and what are the misconceptions that trip couples up.
This gives couples a roadmap going forward.
This gives couples a roadmap going forward. There is wiggle room built in that allows for husbands and wives to have a conversation and make any adjustments that are needed. It’s always easier to get where you are going when you have a good map or reliable GPS.
The other benefit of walking through this with every couple is that it gives them a shared vocabulary. This allows when they are talking about in the future for the husband and wife to communicate more effectively. When a husband tells his wife that there hasn’t been much fellowship lately, she is going to know exactly what he means. She has to step up her game when it comes to enjoying some of the things he enjoys. Melisa and I have watched countless Nascar events for that very reason. Little did either of us suspect that she would become a fan too. Want help loving your spouse well, pick up a copy of our Love Well Calendar
Bringing The Big Three Conference to your church can enable your couples to love effectively, meet each other’s needs, and follow God together for years to come.
Ready to learn more about The Big 3? Pick up a copy of our Marriage Made Easy Book and our Marriage Made Easy Workbook.
Interested in finding our more about hosting The Big 3 Marriage Conference at your church or getting help for your marriage, Connect with us today.
Melisa Zimmerman, a Western Oklahoma native, obtained her Bachelor of Nursing Degree in 1996. After a successful nursing career, and serving on staff at Victory Church, she co-founded Bridge Builder Marriage Ministry in 2013. Melisa, a Certified Life Coach and Jimmy Evans-Marriage on the Rock Certified, is a published author and conference speaker dedicated to improving marriages.
Steve Zimmerman, raised in Minnesota, rediscovered faith, bringing 20 years of relationship experiences into his 20-year marriage with Melisa. As a licensed minister, certified Biblical Counselor, Life Coach, and Jimmy Evans-Marriage on the Rock Certified, Steve is a devoted teacher, small group leader, and family man. Together, they bring expertise to couples through their mission: “Building and Rebuilding Bridges in Relationships.”
